THE Brooklyn EyelympicS 2021

There is no older sport than two people engaged in a trial of unblinking eyes. One fateful day, a caveman locked eyes with another caveman. At that moment there was an unspoken challenge. Neither would relent, not for a second. Only one could be the alpha-starer. Coincidentally this passionate eye contact proved a very desirable trait in a mate, and thus the victor had many offspring. From then on, a genetic culling for the best starers began, establishing a time-honored human competition that transcends cultures and creeds. In that great tradition, we held the 2021 Brooklyn Eyelympic Staring Contest.

There were drag queen sportscasters, bribery, sabotage, the Eye of Sauron as a ref, and very prestigious medals.